Diary Day 3 - Observing Light

Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of "the one who observes," the silent watcher. This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence."- Eckhart Tolle.

Here's the rub - what the last two posts come down to is me observing myself in the only way that seems right to me at this moment. Writing is something I've endeavored to do on and off with the hope, as I get older, I'll actually have something valuable to contribute. But this is not that.

What this is, is my yoga practice. Say what? Yes. This is me practicing and teaching from the page (or screen). This is my svadyaya, me observing and studying myself. And this is you witnessing me practice that branch of yoga and maybe learning by my example. 

I have been a daily practitioner of asana for years. I have been a fair weather meditator also for years. But when my shit gets painful sitting in meditation falls apart. Why? Because asana is not enough. And until this point I have had no construct for actually observing my thoughts and feelings prior to attempting to sit and just BE with myself. So when I sit, instead of already having had the opportunity to see what's going on inside and acknowledge and let go, my meditation was having to serve as me coping with those thoughts and emotions for the first time. That is a recipe for failure. As I mentioned in my first post - that is a direct line to a panic attack.

What's interesting is how effective this has already been for me. These last two days, I have still experienced the physicality of depression and anxiety but instead of it taking a hold of me, I've been able to step back and observe it happening without being swept away. This is a hope inducing moment of revelation. Writing helps me and writing is still yoga. I haven't lost it, it has just changed as I have changed.

I am sitting here bearing witness to my thoughts, emotions and the events of my life. This is me - healing. You are bearing witness to me cracking open, letting the light back in, and rediscovering my yoga and my Self in the process. 

And you know what, it was short and it was guided but yesterday and today I sat with myself and meditated, too.